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[10 Aug 2005|03:11am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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coldplay ~ parachutes |
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*sigh*
and i confess that:
at first i thought you really did love me. i didn't realize you where incapable of such emotions. i said i loved you, that i'd die for you, when i really never even loved you for an instant. not one nano-second. i spent two years with you because i felt trapped and as if i ruined my life forever. i lied to myself about what happiness was. i wanted to leave you so many times but i stayed and became delusional. i thought that if i loved you enough that it would be enough to fix things. i cheated on you when you told me i was horrible in bed to prove to myself that it was your problem not me. you never really made me cum, hard or more than my fingers on one hand. i didn't really enjoy having sex with you, it was boring. your penis was broken because of the years of alcohol and drugs, and i'm sorry - that's not my fault either. i let you tie me down and keep me from being free. you became everything i wanted to rebel against. the drugs and total control over your bank account is the only reason i stayed so long, and i know that makes me shallow but i was an addict and you where an easy ride. everything about you makes me sick. when i'm reminded of you i want to bath in clorox with a brillow pad. you're lucky you moved and i don't know where you live or you probably wouldn't be breathing right now.
i confess that i am happy that:
my life is better without you. i got away from you and everything that reminds me of you. i am clean and sober. i didn't lose my mojo you were the one who was sexually dysfunctional. that you called me numerous times and told me how your life was shit and meaningless without me, how you needed and wanted me and that you think about me and wish that you were still with me on a daily basis. you fucked it up, not me. you made me leave. you realized how great you had it and that you'll never ever get it back. i'm finally free ...
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| when drugs go bad |
[10 Aug 2005|03:33am] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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coldplay ~ yellow |
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i was a heroin addict for two years. that doesn't seem like a long time but it is in the scheme of things. i've been clean for eight months now. i lied, cheated and stole from people that i cared about and loved. i sold drugs to get more drugs. i frequently stole money from my alcoholic boyfriend to score drugs. he was always to drunk to notice. i'm still in debt up to my eye balls over this two year addiction. i never had sex for drugs though. and i never shot up, i only snorted it. (not that it makes it any better) the only reason i stopped is because i almost died. i had phnemonia so bad that my right lung had receided in my chest and i didn't feel anything because i was doing so much heroin at the time. i only went to the er because i was having a really hard time breathing and i don't have asthma. the day after my emergency surgery, the doctor told me that i would have been dead in two - three days without the surgery. i never told anyone about the heroin addiction, though i know they know i was doing something besides smoking weed. i never went to rehab either. a month in the hospital was my rehab. - when you come close enough to death that you can smell her breath as she leans over you at night, it changes you in a profound way.
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[10 Aug 2005|05:20pm] |
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I have a confession to make. i'm ruining my life one day at a time, and i am completely aware of it. i have an amazing boyfriend who is everything i never thought i could have. he's sweet, and funny, and walks me to my door at night, and worries about me when i'm hurt or sick, and holds my hand, and kisses my forehead, and gets along with all of my friends, and all of his friends love me, and he's spontaneous and loves to do stuff, and is outgoing... and now that we all know how wonderful he is... here's the killer... i cheated on him... twice... with the same guy... and this guy, who happens to be one of my best friends, is also my best friends ex boyfriend, and i'm his best friends ex girlfriend. this guy is someone who i have no wish for a relationship with and never in a million years did i plan to be with him. and now i've slept with him, and then headed over to see my boyfriend and go out for wings. i lied to him, and he bought every word of it. aftrr all, i come across as the perfect girlfriend who would never do anything wrong. this confession is sick, but it gets sicker. i dont intend to stop sleeping with the friend. in fact, i dont think i can. he's been a part of my life for four years, and all i've ever wanted is to make him happy and proud of me. i would die for him, and in a way i am, because this is going to destroy me in the end. i confess that this is by far the worst thing i have ever done, and i can't even face myself in the mirror right now. i wish to god i knew what was wrong with me, and why i love being hurt so much, but he doens't seem to hear my wishes, and he sure as hell isn't giving me any answers... i know i come across as a horrible person, but i'm really not... i'm justs o lost and confused and sick of feeling numb... at least now i feel something... even if it's only pain and sadness...
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