| another confession... |
[06 Dec 2005|01:57pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Knocking on heaven's door - avril lavigne |
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i confess that i didn't want to visit my nana in the hospital today, because i can't stand to see her in pain. i hate looking at her morbid body, just lying there in a hospital bed. it's just not right in my eyes. i pushed myself to see her yesterday and all i could picture the whole time she was throwing up was how i don't want to remember her like this when she dies. i want to remember her for all the good things. all the times she smiled and scowled me for doing something stupid. that's the nana i want to remember. the one person you never mess with; nana.
i confess that i haven't cut for about a week now and that's good, but i've found a substitute.
i confess that i have been purging after ever meal i eat. i sit there infront of a toilet, on my knee's crying, with my finger down my throat. i get up and hope that no-one sees the red imprints of where my teeth sit as i choke it all back up. i know it's not healthy, but it doesn't leave a permanent mark on my skin like cutting does. i know i'm sick with this depression, but i feel like i'm getting happier. it's just those few moments when i resort to the worst.
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