| smile, because you're dying on the inside. |
[18 Dec 2005|10:39pm] |
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i confess that i hate who i am these days. that i've hated who i am for so many years. i don't know how to change my habbits now. i'm scared i'm going to hurt myself again.
is it bad when you're scared of yourself?
the pills that my mother is *hiding* from me are calling my name. i feel like i need to swallow them down again. i need to hurt myself, but i don't want to hurt anyone. only myself. i don't want to cut and i won't. i just want to die right now so badly. this feeling of death is wrapped around me like a blanket tonight.
it's so close to christmas though. i could never do that. i don't even know how many pills would do the job (?)
i forgot to take my anti-depressents today. maybe that's why i'm so down. could that actually do that from only one day, i dont know?
what if i just saved up all of my pills for a good month, then took the bottle my mom hides from me. drink it with some vodka or something strong. that could finish me.
i confess i'm messed up. i'm crazy maybe. but you don't love me anymore.
it's killing me inside.
it's killing me so much inside that i need to kill the urges.
i need to kill myself.
i've said and done this too many times to myself. i *know* i deserve better. why can't i actually get better.
i wake up in the mornings, praying for the day to be okay. i pray that i won't crack and fall to pieces. i remove myself like you tell me to do, but it doesn't work. i crack when i'm alone and i can't be with someone ALL the time. there will be those moments when i cry. i'll break and hate every minutes of it, but maybe i'll have the chance to feel better afterwards. i pray.
who am i really praying to? i don't believe in god.
i guess i'm just trying to believe in myself.
how can i believe in myself if i want to give up on myself? a bit ironic, yes?
i confess that i want to give in again and i'm debating it in my mind. i have been for days and months and years.
*sigh* a mind ... where has mine gone?
we really are what we pretend not to be, you're right.
i'm trying so hard to be happy that i'm everything but.
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[18 Dec 2005|11:00pm] |
i confess
it's too late to say that now.
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