| "prozac nation" |
[12 Jan 2006|09:49pm] |
i've never felt more afraid of life then i do at this very second. after watching a movie that dug into every inch of fear, regret, guilt, hate, anger, craziness and sadness. it just slaps me across the face so hard. i thought this was just me, not the drugs. i'm not just numb from the pain, but because of the condition of my state. my depression.
it's like there's a blanket over me, covering up everything. making it invisible to the naked eye. no one see's it but me. i come undone infront of the mirror. my automatic self turns on around people and my emotions shut down. it's not real. it's never fucking real.
do you think it's easy to swallow down 40mg of lies everyday?
"you're not used to this new person yet." - fuck this "new person," it's not me. i hate it so much and i just can't show it anymore. i'm trapped in bottled up emotions. i'm ready to explode, but these pills push everything back down. locking it in. i'm trapped.
this waking up, hoping not to live through the day is getting tiring. i need that escape again, the presure's too much. its all too much again. this is so fucked up. so unexplainable. i'm masking my feelings, i can't show them anymore.
i used to cut to get away from this numbness. it seems it has taken over me entirely, every inch of my mind. i can't control who i am and what i do to myself. nothing comes out of me, but so much needs to. i can't escape from this numbness anymore. i can't cut anymore. i find myself just lying in bed, stairing off out my window for hours. i want to die, but i cant bring myself to do it. this isn't my normal suicidal feeling. i'm not scared of pain. i'm scared of this numb feeling filling me up. you can't cut that away. i can't snort drugs to get away. i can't not eat to get away. feeling the bones under the palms of my hands doesn't make me better. it kills me slower. slower than slitting my wrists. slower than poping these "sympathy" filled pills. i take them because they think i'm pathetic. i can't do this on my own. you're just fucking with my mind, litterally. freezing my actions so i dont go far enough over the edge to not come back.
i'm not stuck in the past anymore. i'm not stuck in time.
i'm stuck in this neverending numbness.
it haunts me tonight. killing every other feeling i've ever felt.
i'm gone tonight.
i guess i'll just have to sleep it off.
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