| i confess |
[29 Mar 2006|11:04pm] |
this past week has been bad when i'm around my mom. it's like i'm falling back into the depression. i thought i was almost out? i've pulled away from her even more now. she touches my face and i squirm and pull away. she says that i'm still giving her that look. she always knows i'm angry with her when i give her "the look" ... but truly, i dont know what the look is. i am mad at her though. all of my things have been gone through. its gotten to the point where i literally have no more hidding places to keep them, so they're just sitting on my bedroom floor. i've thought about just burning them. i've always wanted to forget my past and that way i can erase the written past.
jon told me tonight that he's scared i'm going to accidentally overdose on my meds. i said, "me too."
the thing is that if that were to happen, it wouldn't be an accident. i've been telling everybody and mostly myself that i want to be happy. and trust me i do. its just killing me trying to accomplish that goal. i still sometimes wish i could to die. i wish that everyday, even the days when i am happy. maybe i'm just meant to think this way. i'm different like that. or maybe i really am supposed to die. i want to. i want to getaway from this life. from the people. the bullshit i go through everyday. it's sometimes not worth it. one day i know it will happen though. the day will come where i no longer write in this journal. when i stop breathing in this life, because i dont want any of it .... and for saying what i just said, i dont deserve any of it.
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