| what do i want more, depression or happiness? |
[02 Apr 2006|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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stuck |
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music |
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Our Lady Peace - Thief |
] |
okay, so i've come to notice that i haven't written any poetry for such a long time. maybe these pills are causing my creative side to disapear (i hope thats not it). i loved my creative side. i cant even write anything worth reading these days. everything i type onto my computer means nothing. it's pointless shit that goes on in my life these days. i guess i kind of miss the deep depression. what the hell is wrong with me?? i wished and wished for happiness and when i finally get there i dont want all of it. its all or nothing, right?
i'm out of my mind. sometimes i just want to lose it again. fall back down to where i was. when i was in the hospital i could sort of see myself getting better, i was getting flashes of happiness ... and i know this sounds stupid but i was scared of happiness and i knew the doctors would eventually get me back to that ... so i asked Dr. Brown and my counsellor Carolyn if they could put me in a permanent mental hospital. because i knew that if i was their i would never let myself be happy. i'd always restrict myself to that life. think about everything i've done to myself and never want to get out.
this shows you (mostly me), how fucked up i really am sometimes.... which used to be all the time.
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